Teddy Roosevelt vs Hermann Detzner

Beginning Analysis: What happens when two badasses from opposite ends of the globe meet head-on? Read on to see who...is...deadliest!?

Teddy Roosevelt Quick Bio

Containing just as much myth as reality, the life of Teddy Roosevelt is a remarkable one. Born on October 27, 1858 to parents Theodore Roosevelt Sr & Martha "Mittie" Bulloch, Teddy was the second of four children. Unfortunately for his youth, Teddy Roosevelt was stricken with asthma, had horrible eyesight, and was considered very sickly. Yet, he didn't allow his ailments to take over his life, and began a program of heavy exercise and pursuing areas of knowledge that interested him. Eventually, he overcame his disabilities, and became a expert cowboy, hunter, and politician. Yet, it was his actions during the Spanish-American War, when he resigned from the navy, formed the Rough Riders, and charged into Cuba with guns blazing, and defeated the Spanish. His life continued to be remarkable, until January 6, 1919, when he died of health complications at the age of 60.

Teddy Roosevelt Weapons
Short Range: Colt Bisley
Medium Range: 1896 Krag Carbine
Long Range: Gatling Gun
Special: Bowie Hunter

Hermann Detzner Quick Bio

If Teddy Roosevelt was a badass from America, then Hermann Detzner was equally a German badass. The son of Johann Philipp Detzner, a famous dentist, Hermann trained himself in the areas of topography, surveying, and engineering. His skills in these areas was so great he was promoted to Fahnrich (Ensign) 6 Infantry Regiment (Prussian), 2nd Pioneer Battalion, in February of 1902. From 1908 to 1909, as well as from 1912 to 1913, Detzner was part of a joint German-British science & surveying expedition to Kamerun in Central Africa(Kamerun would later become the Republic of Cameroon). After Kamerun, Detzner would travel to New Guinea and survery the border between the English & German sections of the island, as well as explore it's interior. Complications arose when World War 1 started, as Australian forces were looking for him in the jungle. Detzner would not allow the capture of himself and his men, so they wandered the jungle for 4 years, evading capture the whole time. During these years, his men would brazenly hold up the German flag, and loudly sang "Watch on the Rhine" and other Germanic tunes. After the war, he had return to his home country as a war hero, and wrote "Four Years Among the Cannibals in the Interior of German New Guinea under the Imperial Flag, from 1914 until the Armistice" to satisfy those who were curious about his adventure. Yet the writing of this book became, in a sense, Detzner's downfall, as many sections were later discovered to fictitious, or a mix of fact & fiction. Because of this discovery, Detzner withdrew from public life, yet still had his job at the colonial archive. He lived in Schmargendorf, Berlin, where he Carl-Pfeffer Verlag, a publishing house in Heidelberg. He lived in the city until December 1, 1970, when he died at the age of 88.

Hermann Detzner Quick Bio
Short Range: Luger PO8 Pistol
Medium Range: Gewehr 98 Bolt-Action Rifle
Long Range: MG 08/18 Machine Gun
Special: Machete

Who Got The Edge
Colt Bisley vs Luger PO8: The Luger PO8 gets the edge. The pistol is lighter (1.92lb compared to the Bisley's weight of 2.3lb), has a higher ammo capacity (holds 8 rounds while the Bisley holds 6 rounds), has a wide variety of barrel lengths (Lugers were made with barrels that ranged from 3.74 inches to 7.87 inches, while the Bisley was made with 4¾-, 5½- and 7½-inch barrels), and is a semi-auto weapon while the Bisley is a single-action weapon.
1896 Krag vs Gewehr 98: Both rifles get the edge. They both have the same capacity (5 rounds), but the 1896 Krag has the longer barrel (762mm compared to the Gewehr 98's barrel length of 740mm), and the greater effective range (900m compared to the Gewehr 98's effective range of 500 to 800m), but the Gewehr 98 uses a larger caliber (The Gewehr 98 uses the 7.92×57mm Mauser round while the 1896 Crag uses the .30-40 Krag round), and reloads quicker and easier (The Gewehr 98 reloads through a stripper clip, while the 1896 Krag loads in 1 bullet at a time).
Gatling Gun vs MG 08/18: Both machineguns get the edge. The Gatling Gun has no kick and rarely jams, yet it is larger, heavier (59.6 lbs compared to the MG 08/18's weight of 14.5 lbs), bulkier, and causes Gatling shoulder if used for an extended period (a medical condition in which the wearer's joint is slowly worn down due to moving their arm in the same motion for a extended period of time). With the MG 08/18, there is some chance for the gun to jam, and there is some kick, but it has a carrying handle for easier transportation, weighs less, and takes 100 to 200 round belts.
Bowie Hunter vs Machete: The Machete gets the edge. The Bowie Hunter may be less of a burden on it's user, but it doesn't have the length or the weight behind each blow that the Machete has.

Common Quality
Larger Than Life: Both of these warrior were the most iconic of their time. The name of Teddy Roosevelt is known far and wide, and his accomplishments are just as well known. He created the Rough Riders & helped win the Spanish-American War, completed the construction of the Panama Canal, and a host of other remarkable feats (including keeping a bear at the White House so he could wrestle it, and numerous political actions that strengthened the country). While he caused some controversy after World War I, Hermann Detzner is still considered to be a incredible German. Not only was he able to confound the allies during WW1, he also navigated previously unexplored territory in New Guinea, wrote a book about his experiences in that land, and continued to be a icon of scientific research until his death on December 1, 1970.
 
Setup
Teddy Roosevelt had been in some hot spots before, but New Guinea was unknown territory for him. He always wanted to go on a jungle expedition there, so he picked four of his toughest Rough Riders, gathered some equipment, and set-out for the island. After he arrived, his men made their way into a thick part of the jungle, and setup a base camp. There were 3 tents, plus some covered crates containing food & weapons, a ring of rocks in which to light a fire, and a Gatling Gun in case they needed heavy firepower. As they were going over some maps they obtained, the Rough Riders were unaware of the danger heading their way. 

They were about to start a late lunch, when one of the Rough Riders heard noises coming from the west side of camp. He ran right over to Teddy's camp, and told him of the trouble.

"Mr. Roosevelt, there's something near the camp!."

Roosevelt was writing a letter as the Rough Rider telling him. Once the Rough Rider was done talking to him, Roosevelt sent the pen down, and turned to face the soldier.

"Calm down, son." said Roosevelt with a straight face. "I heard them coming before you did."

"Them?" the Rough Rider asked nervously. "What do you mean by them?"

"A small group is coming this way." answered Roosevelt. "Judging by the amount of noise, I'm think five individuals. Germans, to be more specifically."

"Germans?" asked the Rough Rider. "What do they want with us, and how do you know they're Germans?"

"They probably see us as a threat." Roosevelt responded. "As for how I know that they're Germans. Well, they're making a lot of noise. That's how I know. Now, get the rest of the men ready. We got a fight on our hands."

The Rough Rider nodded. He went out of the tent, and Roosevelt heard him ordering the others to get ready for the incoming battle. As they were scrambling around, Roosevelt went over to his little stand, and picked up his gun holster, in which his Colt Bisley resided. He attached it to his belt, and walked out of his tent.

Sure enough, the four Rough Riders were facing the west. Two of them had 1896 Krags, another was in the back of the Gatling Gun, and the last had his Colt Bisley ready. Roosevelt walked to the rider behind the Gatling, and gave his final order.

"Don't fire yet. Let them get closer, then unleash all hell."

The rider nodded. He swallowed some spit, then waited until the Germans got closer. They got in closer, then the noise suddenly stopped. All was quiet, then a steady stream of lead came there way, accompanied by a thunderous blast. Given the cue, the Rough Riders returned fire. Roosevelt could see one German rise up from the bush, and took him out with one well-placed headshot from the Bisley. Even though there was a lot of gunfire, Roosevelt could hear the body slam against a tree with a thud.


Teddy Roosevelt: 5/Herman Detzner: 4


The gun battle continued, with both sides feeling the heat. The Rough Rider was still sitting behind the Gatling Gun, still continuing the turn the crank. Another German rose up from the bush, and his chest was greeted by a hail of bullets. The mowed right through his lungs and heart, and popped right out of his back. His body slumped down to the ground, and his comrades didn't bother to come over and help.


Teddy Roosevelt: 5/Herman Detzner: 3


As the second German died, the gunfire coming from the west immediately stopped. Roosevelt and the Rough Riders cautiously lowered their guns, but still had their eyes & ears open for any sign of the Germans. One of the Rough Riders cautiously walked towards the growth to check if the coast was clear, and after a few seconds, everything seemed to be okay. He signaled Roosevelt and the others to come closer, and just as they were about to, a gunshot echoed through the camp. Roosevelt and the others checked to see if they were shot, but they didn't find even a grazing wound. The Rough Rider that signaled them, however, wasn't so lucky. He got a bullet straight through the back of his neck, and out of the throat. He was dead before he hit the jungle floor.


Teddy Roosevelt: 4/Herman Detzner: 3


Roosevelt and the others returned fire. One of the Rough Riders tried to get back to the Gatling Gun to unleash a hellstorm of bullets, but got a shot to the back for his efforts from one of the Germans. His body tripped over a vine as it fell down, and the impact from hitting the ground slightly cracked opened his head.


Teddy Roosevelt: 3/Herman Detzner: 3


Roosevelt and the other kept up the fight, but they realized that a change of scenery might turn the tide back to their favor. So, reluctantly, the trio turned to the east and ran, all the while avoiding the gunfire that was still coming at them. Once the Germans saw that they were trying to retreat, they immediately gave chase.

A few minutes went by, and Roosevelt and the others arrived at some mysterious stone ruins. The carvings seemed to predate many of the modern civilizations that existed, but they had little time to sight-see. They could hear the Germans coming towards them, and they got behind cover. Roosevelt and one of the Rough Riders hid behind two stone columns, while the other Rough Rider jumped behind a fallen tree. The reloaded their guns as needed, and waited until the Germans got in closer. The Germans appeared in the clearing right in front of the ruins, guns refreshed, and looking for a fight. It was then that Roosevelt noticed the German with the hat. The hat looked a lot like one of the cowboy hats he used to wear back on his ranch, and the metals he wore on his chest signified that he was the commander of this group. Teddy raised his Bisley to try and get a shot at him, but one of the Germans somehow spotted him, and fired a shot off from his rifle. The shot knocked the revolver out of his hands, and left him slightly stunned. The German was about to get another shot off, when the Rough Rider behind the tree rose up, and landed a spectacular shot right between the German's eyes.


Teddy Roosevelt: 3/Herman Detzner: 2


The last two Germans began firing back. As the gunfight came back up to it's earlier fevered pitched, Roosevelt picked his Bisley back, and rejoined the fight. He and his men were just about out of ammo, as the Germans were probably almost out as well. One of Roosevelt's Rough Riders, the one behind the fallen tree, had his 1896 Krag suddenly jam up. He tried to get it to unjam, but before he was able to, a round went straight through the back of his head, and out his left eye.


Teddy Roosevelt: 2/Herman Detzner: 2


At this point, Roosevelt was trying to reload his Bisley, but wasn't able to find any round. Disgusted, he holstered the revolved, and took out his Bowie Hunter. The Rough Rider hiding behind the other column had just run out of Krag rounds for his 1896, and took out his own Bowie Hunter. The two snuck off, trying to see if the Germans would follow them. As they were moving, Roosevelt saw the two Germans carrying Lugers in their hands, and he and his last Rough Rider knew that they had to be careful.

The two German were now back in the jungle proper. The German with the hat picked up his pace a bit, while his subordinate slowed down a little bit to keep an eye out for anything suspicious. Unfortunately for him, he didn't noticed the Rough Rider sneaking up behind. Nor did he hear the blade go into his back, and pierce the backside of his heart.


Teddy Roosevelt: 2/Herman Detzner: 1


The German with the hat heard his subordinate hit the ground. He quickly turned around, and saw the Rough Rider wipe blood off of his knife. Unfortunately for the Rough Rider, he didn't see the German with the hat aim his Luger at him, and pulled the trigger twice. Luckily, he did hear the gun go off, and he would hear the echo of those shots as he rested in the afterlife for the rest of eternity.


Teddy Roosevelt: 1/Herman Detzner: 1


Roosevelt saw his last man go down for the count, and was just about to flip out. He waited until the German wearing the hat had his back to him. Before he snuck in for the kill, Roosevelt uttered a small phrase under his breath.

"I'm going to gut you like I did Lawrence of Arabia."

He then broke his silence, but that probably was not one of his best decisions. When the German wearing the hat heard Roosevelt coming, he quickly dropped his Luger, and went straight for the Machete. Roosevelt was still running towards him, but the quickly raised his arm, and threw the machete. Roosevelt had no time to react, and the blade went straight into his neck. It was too deep for him to try and pull it out, and so he fell to the ground, all the while spurting copious amounts of blood, and forming a crimson pool around his head.


Teddy Roosevelt: 0/Herman Detzner: 1
 

Hermann Detzner: 614
Luger PO8 Pistol: 100
Gewehr 98 Bolt-Action Rifle: 200
MG 08/18 Machine Gun: 300
Machete: 14

Teddy Roosevelt: 386
Colt Bisley: 80
1896 Krag Carbine: 100
Gatling Gun: 200
Bowie Hunter: 6

Ending Assessment: Both of these warriors were the manliest of men, but Hermann Detzner had the jump on Teddy Roosevelt in regards to technology, and he just seemed to have something psychological that Mr. Roosevelt didn't have.
Strongest Weapon: Moving down Teddy Roosevelt, and bringing in 300 kills, Hermann Detzner's MG 08/18 Machine Gun takes the strongest weapon spot in this matchup.
Weakest Weapon: Because of it's short nature and 6 kills, Teddy Roosevelt's Bowie Hunter is the weakest weapon in this fight.

Next Fight: Mark Anthony vs Darius the Great


* For a better look at Herman Detzner, look at the link below:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hermann_Detzner